If the original Marquis of Queensberry could fashion twelve rules to create decency and order from the potential chaos of boxing, then surely we – in honour of the man after whom we are named – can do likewise for hospitality?

Rules prevent us from drowning in confusion and mayhem. They codify and simplify: the rules of nature (water will not run uphill); the rules of decency (no, after YOU ); and now, the New Queensberry Rules. Like the originals, there are twelve, like the originals, they are no more than common sense. (But spelling them out will do no harm.)

1

Manners, decorum and kindness to be shown at all times

2

No indoor horse-riding, audible obscenities or shouting into mobile phones at any time

3

It’s Bath, ok? With the A pronounced like the A in arm, not the A in bat

4

The sign of a true gentleman, and a lady, is to know one’s limit

5

Gentlemen whose trousers fail to reach the ankle may be discouraged from wearing white socks, at the discretion of the management

6

Anyone overheard attempting to sell timeshare properties in the bar may be asked to leave

7

Headstands, handstands, cartwheels and Arab springs are permitted in the bar only with the management’s written approval, and appropriate insurance documents

8

Please remove motorcycle helmets before attempting to drink

9

Anyone attempting to secure bar staff’s attention by clicking their fingers will be scowled at, perhaps even ignored. Our bar staff may be cute, but they are not puppies

10

Customers whose laugh sounds like Woody Woodpecker turned up too loud may be looked at funny. It might not be right, we’re just saying we might not be able to help it>

11

No stilts, pogo sticks, space-hoppers, flaming torches or whips at the bar

12

Management and staff reserve the right sometimes not to look all that well. They are probably just tired, ok? I mean, have you seen the hours they work? YOU try putting in those shifts and always looking like you have just had a facial, a haircut, a manicure and a holiday